Can A Couple Of Bats Outsmart A Penguin?
by Windrises
Summary: The Penguin gets some information, which gives him the impression that Bruce Wayne might be Batman. Batman has Barbara Gordon assist him in protecting his secrets.


Notes: Batman is owned by DC Comics and was created by writer Bill Finger and artist Bob Kane. Barbara Gordon was created by Carmine Infantino, Julius Schwartz, and William Dozier.

Bruce Wayne was about to walk into the Batcave. However, his butler, Alfred Pennyworth walked by him, with a mysterious paper in his hands. Bruce assumed the paper was describing his latest mission. He thought he would have to change into his Batman costume and fight a couple of villains. However, he read the paper and quickly realized he had to get a new credit card. Bruce put his hand over his face and sighed, before saying, "Frankly, I think I like being Batman, more than Bruce Wayne."

Alfred handed Bruce a jacket, while replying, "I don't know how you could feel that way. As Bruce Wayne, you get to be a rich, lighthearted playboy. As Batman, you put your life in danger and fight the most vile type of villains."

Bruce responded, "Being Batman is a heroic and alluring honor. Being Bruce Wayne is a chore."

Bruce got into his car and drove to a nearby bank. He parked the car and walked inside. He looked around and saw there was a huge line, which made him growl. He was so bored, while waiting in line, that he struggled to stay awake. He decided to go on the ground and lay down, until it was his turn.

Several minutes later, Bruce was at the front of the line. He was given a new credit card, as well as a lengthy piece of paper. The paper listed all of the purchases, from Bruce's previous card. Bruce bumped into Oswald Cobblepot, the Penguin. The Penguin had been released from Arkham Asylum, for good behavior. However, Bruce felt uneasy, about the Penguin being loose. Bruce said, "Hi, Mr. Cobblepot."

The Penguin replied, "Greetings, Mr. Wayne. I would say it's an honor to be in your presence, but that would imply you're somebody special."

Bruce responded, "Wow, that's quite the cold reception. Anyways, why are you here?"

The Penguin answered, "To get a new card."

Bruce jokingly said, "What will be the name, that'll be on your card? Will it Penguin or Pengy-Wengy?"

The Penguin replied, "Allow me to ask another name-related question, Mr. Wayne. What name will you go by, after you lose everything you treasure?"

Bruce jokingly answered, "Clark Kent."

The Penguin straightened his monocle, while saying, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Wayne. You are undeniably rich, when it comes to the amount of cash in your pocket, but you're a middle-class citizen, when it comes to the amount of complexity and sophistication in your brain. You could be using your wealth, for something worthwhile,. Instead, you throw parties and act like an undignified playboy."

Bruce replied, "You're one to talk, Mr. Cobblepot. You had very wealthy parents, as well. Instead of being thankful, you keep stealing money. Don't you have enough?"

The Penguin answered, "I might be a criminal, Mr. Wayne, but I'm also a gentleman, with very excellent taste. Our modern world has a reputation, for being unfair. Yes, I did inherit a good stack of cash, but it's not as much, as I deserve. You deserve to be a moderately-rich person, at best, while I deserve to be the richest man in Gotham."

Bruce asked, "Are you implying you're smarter, than all of Gotham's citizens?"

The Penguin confidently answered, "It's a fact, that I'm the smartest."

Bruce smirked and asked, "What about Batman?"

The Penguin slyly smiled and said, "I'm going to outsmart that crazily-dressed fool. If you ever see Batman, be sure to tell him, that penguins are the most underestimated type of species."

Bruce replied, "Okay." While Bruce walked out, his paper, which listed his previous card purchases, fell to the ground.

After Bruce walked out, the Penguin grabbed the paper. Penguin figured any paper, that Bruce would accidentally leave behind, must be something valuable. He looked at it and realized it listed all of Bruce Wayne's purchases, from his previous credit card. The Penguin had a sneaky smile on his face, while saying, "I'll be sure to read this long list, to learn what that dork spends his money on." The Penguin squawked.

Meanwhile, Bruce drove back home. He went inside and showed Alfred the new credit card, that he got. Bruce wasn't interested, in having an overly-fancy card, so he got a plain one, that was in black and white.

Alfred sarcastically said, "What an epic card." Bruce rolled his eyes. Alfred said, "On a more serious note, what did you do with the paper, that lists your previous card's purchases."

Bruce replied, "I think I put it in my jacket or something." Bruce started digging around, for the card, but he realized he didn't have it. Bruce said, "Alfred, I'm afraid I put my identity in danger."

Alfred asked, "What are you talking about?"

Bruce explained, "The Penguin was at the bank. I was so distracted, by him, that I forgot about the paper. I lost it and I'm afraid the Penguin found it."

Alfred replied, "Well, it wouldn't benefit him. The paper would just list all of the random items, that you've bought."

Bruce responded, "You don't understand, Alfred. I used my previous card, to buy a bunch of my Batman gadgets. I used some of those gadgets, when I fought the Penguin. If he reads the things I've bought, he could find out I'm Batman. This could be the end."

A few minutes later, Barbara Gordon walked into the mansion. She went into the living room, where Bruce was, and asked, "What's going on?"

Bruce answered, "My secret identity is in a deep amount of peril." Bruce explained to Barbara, about what happened. Bruce said, "In order to save my secrets, I have to make sure the Penguin doesn't read that document. I need to know where he's going, as soon as possible."

Barbara replied, "I know where's he going."

Bruce asked, "Where's he headed to?"

Barbara said, "Penguin and I both got invited, to an Alice in Wonderland party, that's happening in a nearby party center."

Bruce put his hand on his chin, while saying, "It's rather strange, that I didn't get an invite."

Alfred walked by and said, "The host invited you, but you claimed the party was a childish piece of crap."

Bruce replied, "I meant every word of that, but my brutal honesty has gotten me into trouble. The host won't let me come there." He looked at Barbara and said, "It's up to you, to save my secrets."

Barbara responded, "Okay, but what is my mission?"

Bruce answered, "At the party, talk to the Penguin. Find a way, to go through his umbrella. From what I remember, Penguin uses his umbrella, to collect his valuables. I'm certain he's keeping my paper in there, if he has it."

Barbara replied, "I'll do what I can."

Bruce said, "Thank you, Barbara."

An hour later, the Penguin drove back to his house. He put the paper, which had the card information, on a table. He examined the paper and read every single item, that Bruce had purchased, with his previous card. He noticed Bruce had purchased some grappling hooks, throwing stars, batarangs, and other gadgets, that he had seen Batman use. The Penguin said, "This is an intriguing discovery. Bruce Wayne has been paying for Batman's gadgets." He put his hand on his chin, while saying, "He could be Batman's investor or he could be Batman. Either way, I have to give that spoiled playboy some credit, about his choice of purchases. I used to think he wasted his cash, but it appears he's been involved, in Gotham's most elusive form of crimefighting. By figuring out this information, I've become enriched in the knowledge that'll lead to Batman's defeat." He did an evil laugh.

A few hours later, Barbara went to the large building, that the Wonderland party was taking place at. Barbara was wearing a fancy, purple dress. She walked by her father, Commissioner Gordon, and said, "Hi, Daddy."

Commissioner Gordon replied, "Hi, Barbara."

Barbara asked, "Are you excited, about this Wonderland party?"

Commissioner Gordon said, "I don't get this Wonderland thing, that the millennials are going crazy over. Back in my day, we had much more normal and proper stories."

Barbara had an amused look on her face, while replying, "Dad, Alice in Wonderland was written in the late 1800s. Are you implying you're over two-hundred?" Commissioner Gordon shrugged his shoulders.

The Penguin walked in, wearing a fancy tuxedo. Barbara said, "Dad, please excuse. I'm going to go talk to the Penguin."

Commissioner Gordon raised his eyebrows and asked, "Have you lost your marbles?"

Barbara answered, "I keep my marbles, into a protective case, to avoid that problem."

Commissioner Gordon whispered, "My daughter's sweet, but a little batty."

Barbara walked up to the Penguin and shook his hand. She said, "Greetings, Mr. Cobblepot. I'm Barbara Gordon."

The Penguin replied, "Ah, your old man often brings up your name. How old is that geezer?"

Barbara answered, "He's under the impression, that he was born before Lewis Carroll wrote Alice in Wonderland."

The Penguin replied, "That's a fair guess, considering how outdated his methods of crimefighting are."

Barbara folded her arms and said, "Watch what you say, Mr. Cobblepot. My dad does a great job, at keeping this city safe."

The Penguin replied, "If you think Commissioner Gordon does a good job, you're under a delusion. Gotham would be filled with loose maniacs, if it wasn't for the dynamic duo."

Barbara responded, "Oh, Batman and Batgirl."

The Penguin shook his head and replied, "No, Batman and Robin."

Barbara said, "Hey, give Batgirl some credit."

The Penguin replied, "Yeah right. I remember the old days, when Batman just had his boy wonder. Now, things have gone off the rails. He has Batgirl, Batwoman, Nightwing, Bat-Mite, and Bat-Hound."

Barbara looked around, for the Penguin's umbrella. It was on a table, so Barbara put her purse on the same table. She said, "Mr. Cobblepot, it's a surprising sight, to see you at a Wonderland-themed party."

The Penguin replied, "I'm hoping you're not one of those close-minded people, who think I only enjoy penguin-themed events."

Barbara said, "To be honest, I thought your favorite film was Mr. Popper's Penguins."

The Penguin scowled and replied, "Ms. Gordon, I'm fifty-eight, not ten."

Barbara said, "If that's the case, how come you're at a party, that's celebrating a kids' book?"

The Penguin straightened his bowtie and replied, "Alice in Wonderland is an eloquent and essential part of literature."

Barbara said, "Excuse me, Mr. Cobblepot." Barbara grabbed the Penguin's umbrella and started walking away. She looked in the umbrella, for the credit-card paper. It was in there, so Barbara grabbed it and tore it up.

The Penguin walked up to Barbara and asked, "What are you doing?"

Barbara said, "Um, I thought your umbrella was my purse. My purse is so heavy, that it feels like an umbrella."

The Penguin asked, "Why did you rip up an important document, that I had in my umbrella?"

Barbara said, "I thought it was a list of my ex-boyfriends, so I had to rip it up."

A moment later, Jervis Tetch, also known as the Mad Hatter, burst into the party. The Mad Hatter had a goofy smile on his face, while sipping on a cup of tea. He said, "Greetings, Wonderland fanboys and fangirls. Alice in Wonderland is a classic and it's hard to top the classics, but if I can be so bold, I believe I'm the greatest hatter of them all. In any case, I'll be taking every collectible, you unworthy party-lovers have been hoarding up." The host and his guards tried to stop the Mad Hatter, but he beat them up.

Barbara Gordon went into the janitor's closet, so she could change into her Batgirl costume. Afterwards, she ran to the Mad Hatter and said, "You better start wandering, if you have any chance of winning."

The Mad Hatter replied, "Hello, Batgirl. I must comment on your late arrival. You must never be late, if you have a very important date."

Batgirl said, "Well, you're late, for your prison sentence."

The Mad Hatter replied, "Prison is no Wonderland. I'd rather deal with the Queen of Hearts, than suffer through that whimsical-free place."

Batgirl kicked the Mad Hatter and said, "Your master plans are as stale, as a pile of outdated hats."

The Mad Hatter punched Batgirl and replied, "Hats never go out of style. When you come upon a hat, that's a work of art, you've stumbled upon a timeless treasure." He gave Batgirl another punch and said, "Bat-themed cosplayers, such as yourself, are a trend. Like all trends, you'll become a joke, that millennials will point to and laugh, as soon as the new trends kick in."

Meanwhile, the Penguin started walking around the building. He walked up to the janitor's closet and said, "I'm curious, if the janitor ever cleans up this place, with the use of an umbrella." The Penguin opened the door and looked door. He saw the purple dress, that Barbara Gordon had been wearing. Penguin raised an eyebrow and asked, "Why would Ms. Gordon put her lovely dress in this dusty room?"

A moment later, the Penguin went into the party room and saw Batgirl fighting the Mad Hatter. In a quiet tone of voice, he said, "Barbara Gordon must be Batgirl. She used the janitor's closet, to change costumes."

A few minutes later, Batgirl finished fighting the Mad Hatter. The Mad Hatter fell to the ground. For some reason, the Penguin looked upset, about the Mad Hatter losing. The Mad Hatter said, "I'm curious, if there's a reason I never win these games."

Batgirl replied, "It's because you're on the wrong side of the law."

The Mad Hatter responded, "In Wonderland, there are no laws. It's one of my most ambitious goals, to turn Gotham into Wonderland."

Batgirl said, "Instead of that, how about you turn your cell into a hat shop?"

The Mad Hatter thought about it and replied, "What a curious place, for someone to put a hat shop in."

Batgirl went into the janitor's closet and changed into her dress. As Barbara Gordon, she returned to the party. The Penguin walked up to her, tapped her shoulder, and said, "I know you're Batgirl."

Barbara nervously asked, "What do you mean?"

The Penguin said, "I went into the janitor's closet and saw the dress, that you were wearing. You used the janitor's closet, as a changing booth. You put on your Batgirl costume, so you could fight the Mad Hatter."

Barbara replied, "That's not true. I was just getting a little warm, so I took off my dress and hid in an empty room."

The Penguin responded, "To be honest, I've done that. However, that doesn't change the fact, that Bruce Wayne's Batman and you're Batgirl. I'm going to visit Wayne Manor, so I can Mr. Wayne I know his secrets." The Penguin ran out of the party, went into his car, and started driving to Wayne Manor.

Barbara Gordon got into her car and also started driving to Wayne Manor. Thankfully, Barbara knew a shortcut. When she got to Wayne Manor, she ran into the living room and told Bruce Wayne what happened. Bruce was more calm and reserved, than Barbara was expecting. He had a plan, to stop the Penguin and save his identity.

A few minutes later, the Penguin went to Wayne Manor and knocked on the door. Bruce opened the door and said, "Hi, Pengy. What's going on?"

The Penguin had an evil smile on his face, while replying, "I know you're Batman and Barbara Gordon's Batgirl."

Bruce responded, "Despite how smart you claim to be, you're wrong."

The Penguin replied, "Your lies are childish, Mr. Wayne. I have evidence. I took the paper, that lists your previous card's purchases. You bought all the gadgets, that Batman has been using."

Batman popped out of the shadows and said, "Bruce Wayne used a chunk of money, so I could afford my gadgets. It was a generous donation."

The Penguin was awfully surprised, to see Bruce Wayne and Batman, in the same room. He had a disappointed look on his face, while saying, "It appears Bruce Wayne isn't Batman. However, Batman can't arrest me, this time, because I haven't done any crimes."

Bruce replied, "That's not true, Penguin. While Batgirl was fighting the Mad Hatter, Batman was doing detective work, to find out the secrets behind Mad Hatter's scheme. Mad Hatter made a business deal, with you. You hired him to rob the party and take the Wonderland collectibles. Since your gimmick doesn't involve Wonderland, you assumed you'd never be accused of being the true mastermind."

The Penguin tried to run away, but Bruce threw a knock-out bomb at him. Penguin started getting sleepy, while saying, "Why would you have a knock-out bomb, Mr. Wayne?"

Bruce replied, "Well, you advised me to start making smarter purchases, so I bought some weapons, to defend myself."

The Penguin asked, "You know what? You're smarter than I had assumed. However, I'm still smarter and more worthy of your wealth." The Penguin passed out. Alfred grabbed the Penguin and took him to the police.

Barbara took off the Batman costume, which she had wore, so Bruce and Batman could be in the same room, at the same time. Bruce said, "Penguin's undoubtedly smart, but he's not as intelligent, as he thinks. After all, he thought you were Batman, just because you were wearing the costume."

Barbara replied, "You're the smarter opponent."

Bruce said, "You might be even smarter."

Barbara replied, "Bats are the world's smartest animal." Bruce nodded.

That night, the Penguin and Mad Hatter were put in a cell. Penguin looked at Mad Hatter and said, "My predication was wrong. Batman isn't Bruce Wayne, which makes me wonder who Batman is."

The Mad Hatter replied, "Perhaps Batman isn't a true bat. I think he's a different animal, underneath that mask."

The Penguin looked confused, while asking, "What are you talking about?"

The Mad Hatter answered, "Batman is the Cheshire Cat." The Penguin facepalmed.


End file.
